The Doghouse

I've been waiting to write this one since Sunday; congratulations are in order for a few reasons to this week's biggest loser and new tenant of THE DOGHOUSE: Nate "I have 17 job" Greene. And here's why:

• You should automatically be expelled from the league if you lose by more than 100 points. Are you fucking kidding me? I have never seen a worse display of fantasy football debauchery in my life. Nate probably had to take Monday off after that spanking Regan put on him.


• Nate, this next reason hit home to me personally as a surviving member of the Penobscot Indian tribe. I have great pride in the Native American blood flowing through my veins pale face. So for you to guard a monument that testifies to the slaughter of my people makes me sick. So a few of my cousins want to get trashed and take back what is rightfully theirs; who made you God to sit in an un-marked police van and stakeout the place...with a loaded side arm no less! My uncle, Chief Woon-soc-kett will be in the MField for Thanksgiving, I suggest making yourself scarce chalk skin.

**Since Penny is no longer with us I cannot use her name or image on this public domain, Jeff, I'm sure you'd understand.

I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK

I know, I know...it's been a while and much like when Tim drinks: I started out sprinting and hanging with the big boys but by 10:30 the blog was snoring on the couch next to the tacky "tap" lamp (think clap on/clap off) while Regan's blasting out Purple Rain on Guitar Hero, Nate's guarding the tractor and Ferris is groping the poor chickens next door.

A lot has happened in the last couple month in the good old BTree Invitational, some good some bad and even a few surprises...so let's start with the biggest one first:

Tom Brady..I mean Joe is in first!!

Wow, I mean is their a bigger feel good story in the entire league! Joe beats leprosy, clears up his rash and manages to come back and mastermind one of the most impressive fantasy seasons to date. Seriously, someone at MIT or NETTTS needs to perform an apendectomy on this genius's brain or something. Who would have thunk to draft Tom Brady, the best piece of ass in the NFL, after management went out and got Moss, Stallworth and Welker? A no brainer right? Wrong, any one of us could have got him but passed. Nice job Joe, you lucky mother fucker, and I hope you're getting just close enough to fantasy championship glory that you are starting to catch a whiff of that sweet smell of ultimate victory...'cause it's gonna" hurt that much more when I completely destroy you in the championship game.

Good luck w/ Priest by the way....loser.

BuckNasty, Jimmy, Regan and Jeff all at 6-4

Quite the battle brewing for that coveted second place spot heading into the playoffs, the spot I currently hold by the way.

Let's face it: Jim's gonna' fuck this thing up somehow, he's got a pretty decent team on paper but like my johnson after 10-15 gaggers Drew Brees will let him down when it matters most. Thanks for playing Jim, and nice washer boards by the way. P.S. I like my steak tips medium rare next August.

Jeff, you may be getting good at scooping Pickerel's off the linoleum but you're running back situation is about as strong as this guy. Sweet pick w/ Maroney and his 20 points.

Regan is for real, if it wasn't for his ridiculous trade offers and 15 tight ends I might actually fear this pretender. You know he looks up at the LT poster on his ceiling from 3 years ago and wonders how it all so went so horribly wrong.

My team is the best in the league and I've had a couple minor strategy issues this year, bumps in the road if you will. I've gotten it figured out now and guarantee that BTree honor will once again be restored to it's rightful owner. I am simply much, much better than anyone else in this league.

As for the rest of you pathetic pack of also rans, cellar dwellers, wingmen and homos...better luck next year. Except of course for Ferris and McIntyre who will be lucky to remain in the league; I like my pizza a bit crunchy and my margarita's a bit salty on draft day next year "men".

I don't even care

Yeah, yeah, yeah the first week of our draft is in the books and surprise, surprise yours truly was not only successful in absolutely crushing McIntyre but also easily took the weekly points leader. It went a little something like this:

I had a dream last Thursday night, in my dream I was down a well looking for the coin I had made an unfulfilled wish on ala Corey Feldman; next thing I know I come across this gorilla in a cave with a door behind him. Over the door is the name "Chester Copperpot"; in my dream I shattered the door with a solid roundhouse kick from hell. Once through I see sitting naked atop a pile of of pylons (I cannot make this stuff up) a girl I went to high school with named Taylor Nunes. I woke up sweating and immediately realized the importance of the divine message I had just received: Chester Taylor is doomed, I must start Adrian Peterson.

The rest is history boys...sorry about this weekend Joe. So far no dreams though so maybe you'll have a shot.

Joke of the Day

Joke: In a hospital waiting room a guy is anxiously waiting for his wife to have their first baby, after 2 hours, a nurse comes bouncing though the labor room doors with a little baby cradled in her arms and asks for Mr. Johnson.
The guy proudly announces," that would be me!" He jumps out of his chair and runs over to her and says, "is that my baby?", the nurse replies, "why yes!"
She starts to hand him the baby but instead grabs it by the feet, swings it over her head and slams it into the tile wall. It's brains and guts splatter everywhere; the guy then screams, "Jesus Christ, what in the hell did you do to my baby ? !!!!" she replies, "April Fools!, things been dead for an hour."

New additions!!: Penny's Dog House

I wanted to introduce a new member to the BTree Watchdog family: Penny's Dog House.

As it is warranted I will speak with Penny about some recent event, person or other little bitch that has really put a hair across her ass, bunched her panties, ruffled her feathers, chapped her hind quarters, got her hot under the collar, put her titties in a wringer, bundled her undies and just generally got her really fucking heated.

This week the inaugral distinction goes to:

Lloyd Carr, head coach Michigan

The biggest upset in college football history, period.

What a loser, this guy is. I mean, who doesn't go for two twice for no apparent reason? This game didn't even have a line it was so lopsided, Appalachian St. was scheduled to ease a very young Michigan defense into the season, it was played at the largest college stadium in the country with upwards of 150,000 seats all of which were filled with very loud Wolverine fans.

Bottom line: this shouldn't have happened and you have to blame the loser coach, he's lost 4 straight bowl games...Bo Shembeckler's rolling in his grave right now.

Lloyd, welcome to Penny's dog house my friend...may she drop a steaming pile of poo on your brainless head.

14 Year Old Hurls No No For Sox!!!!!

What a night, I was honored to be able to watch impossibly young looking Clay Buckholz toss an absolute gem en route to the first rookie no hitter in the history of the Bo' Sox. I remember certain moments in sports forever like Viantieri's kick against Oakland, the Sox winning it all and Pedro tossing Don "Little Gerbil" Zimmer...I remember exactly where I was and who I was with. Last night was one of those, it also marked the first time I've seen Tim cry....thanks beautiful.

In lieu of the recent mini-slide, including the three game sweep to the Yanks, I was starting to get a little fed up with the hometown team.

• JD Drew sucks, sucks, sucks (I wouldn't piss on him if he was burning to death)
• Manny is having one of the worst seasons of his career
• Papi can't get healthy (I love this man and always will)

You could practically feel the momentum reverse as the Red Hose finally looked like they shifted into 5th for the final straightaway into the playoffs. I feel a little better this morning.

P.S. Break out your buffalo skins and moccasins, we're going Injun huntin' next weekend!! FUCK YOU JOBA!!!!

What the fuck is going on here?

So Rodney Harrison is suspended for four games for mainlining growth to come back from an injury sooner, Brady is a father out of wedlock and looks like he doesn't give a fuck and Belichik is banging broads from Foxboro to New Jersey.

I don't like what I'm seeing. The Pats were the lily white virgins of the NFL the past 5 years and it paid off in the form of 3 Superbowl victories. Now we find out that the same little librarian is actually gang banging the entire senior class.

This is not good, this is not good at all.

Oh and by the way, Seymour's out for 6 weeks.

Karma's a bitch people.

Round 3

Round 3

1. 1. Sex Panthers: Carson Palmer



2. 2. Captain Ballbag: Drew Brees



3. 3. The Manpons: Maurice Jones-Drew



4. New Season: Willis McGahee



5. Mittens: Marc Bulger



6. Spider Pigs: Tom Brady



7. FEJJ: Ronnie Brown



8. Face Pirates: Roy Williams



9. Brackish: Donald Driver



10. Bad Newz Kennels: Housh

Commentary:

This round saw a mini-run on QB's which seems a bit early for my liking.

• Again, I think this is a spot this year where you have to go after a top 10 WR...after those are gone the drop off is huge.



• Ferris now looking at: LT, Travis Henry, and Carson Palmer...not too shabby if Henry realizes even half of his huge upside.



• Worst pick: This may go down as the worst pick in the draft as McIntyre takes Bulger at 35.



• Best pick: I really like Tim's Jones-Drew pickup here, too bad LJ's going to blow.

Round 2

Round 2

1. Bad Newz Kennels: Reggie Bush


2. Brackish: Peyton Manning


3. Face Pirates: Terrel Owens


4. FEJJ: Steve Smith


5. Spider Pigs: Tory Holt


6. Mittens: Ocho Cinco


7. New Season: Marvin Harrison


8. Manpons: Reggie Wayne


9. Captain Ballbag: Larry Fitzgerald


10. Sex Panther: Travis Henry

Commentary:

• In a running back deep draft like this one I like the selection of the top tier WR's in this round.


• The top 5 WR are debateable and I think TO is a gamble w/ the first taken. We'll see.


• Best Pick: Peyton Manning


• Worst Pick: (I don't really dislike any of these picks but...) Steve Smith at 2nd receiver taken. I just don't think he can keep it up w/ nobody around him to take off some pressure.

Draft Coverage

Round 1

1. Sex Panther: LT


2. Capt. Ballbag: SJ


3. The Manpons: LJ


4. New Season: Frank Gore


5. Mittens: Joseph Addai


6. Spider Pigs: Shaun Alexander


7. FEJJ: Laurence Maroney


8. Face Pirates: Brian Westbrook


9. Brackish: Willie Parker


10. Bad Newz Kennels: Rudi Johnson

Commentary:

Pretty straight forward in this round but of course a few minor surprises.

• Manning could have realistically gone in the top 10 as well but it's hard to pass up a legit, pimp RB 1-10.
• Maroney at 7 seems a bit early and allowed for Parker to slip to 9 and the dependable Rudi Johnson all the way to 10.
• Big Winner: Hard to argue with Tomlinson
• Big Loser: No real "losers" per say but I'd go w/ Maroney at 7.

Quick Disclaimer

Throughout this season I will be providing honest opinions and analysis on all things BTree Invitational; I do not claim to be an expert and really the only reason I even have the right to say anything is because I started this thing and none of you did.

That being said I hope it can be expected that no player's feelings will get hurt, that no one will take anything personally and that I'm usually half in the bag so my non-sensical rantings should be taken with a grain of salt.

Thank you,
Buck

He didn't get the first pick

We all get excited about fantasy but it's important to remember the priorities...like your still functioning pulse.

If you find yourself a little down after a particularly tough loss remember that you should drop all of your good players before you take the plunge.

Don't be selfish.

Good thing he got LT

Ferris's brilliance is already on display; he went with the much debated "handcuffing" tactic yesterday and now he's looking like a veritable Nostradamus. It looks like the insurance pick of LT to start for Michael "The Burner" Turner is going to pay off.

Very impressive Ferris, very impressive indeed.

Has it already been a year?

One of the best days of the year is finally upon us and, not that anyone needed any more motivation, here are my top five motivational speeches to get your juices flowing:

1. "Fuck you, that's my name"


2. "Can you live in that moment"


3. "William Wallace is 7 feet tall"


4. "Great Moments"


5. "You need me on that wall"

Oh yeah, Tim's a homo.

Asante's Back

It was reported today that Asante Samuel's spirit was finally broken by Mr. Belichick and has agreed to re-join his mates.

The Pats are looking really good to stake their claim as the most dominant team in the universe and with Samuel back anchoring the secondary who's gonna' argue.

In Bill we trust!

Brady's giant baby monster is born!

Tom Brady became a proud father on Thursday, no doubt the doctors had to employ the jaws of life to extract the beast from Bridgett's grotesquely extended stomach.

Congratulations to one of my favorite men of all time, now go back home and bang Giselle and then get ready for Carolina!!

Eric "BuckNasty" Buckley

It's well documented that the first year of any fantasy league is by far the hardest to win and the person that does succeed in a league's maiden voyage is typically the superior player. This is no exception with the Braintree Invitational. A little known fact is that historically the second year is far and away the easiest year to win and is usually taken by one of the weaker players in the league; again the statistics are an accurate depiction of our league as well; as Nate, the veritable "blind squirrel", bumbled his way to paydirt in our league's second go 'round.

I plan to employ the QB, TE, WR, WR, WR, DE, K, RB, RB strategy this year; essentially throwing the league a bone in order to offset my superior skills and give someone else a chance.

I look forward to watching as LT breaks his leg on his first play from scrimmage and the Indy team bus is overcome with carbon monoxide fumes while on their first road trip.

The field is wide open so hang on for a wild ride.

I enjoy having Tim fix things that I pretend to be clueless about, my beautiful wife and watching Ferris puke after two beers.

A little background on our players cont.

Jeff "I Hardly Knew Ye'" McIntyre



McIntyre reminds me of a water heater in that you can usually find him in the cellar. In the past two years I've seen the man twice....on draft day. Rumors abound about his true identity: is he a ghost, does he change shapes at night a la the Jewish folks in Borat's world?, or is he just shy?


He seems to think it's o.k. to just drift in and out of my life once a year.


I'm not sure what he likes or dislikes but I sure am looking forward to some pizza and shrimp baby!!












Jaime "Flying Solo" Moschella



Jaime is proof positive of the power of the BTree Invitational; I think we can all agree that the experiences he shared with his new bride in the seasons leading up to this one laid the foundation for a lifetime of joy. Congratulations Jaime!



While his fantasy success has had its peaks and valleys I think it's fair to say that, while in the courting process, he had to allow himself to be influenced by his significant other on draft day and while setting lineups each week. Personally, I fear him this year more than anyone else. As the old saying goes, "A free fantasy man is slicker than snot on a doorknob."


Jaime enjoys the funkadelic sound and hairy armpitted scene of Phish, networking LAN's and exchanging vows.



Jeff "I Used to Kick Joe's Ass" Moschella

Jeff is one of the nicest guys in the league and has already agreed to let Aidan and Jameson have a double date when all of our kids are in high school. Unfortunately for him, being nice does not transcend onto the paper gridiron of fantasy football.



Jeff is an able drafter with a keen eye for talent and I don't think it'll be too long before he's contending for a spot on the trophy. Keep your eye on this blue chipper.


Jeff likes constructing portable moonwalks, cleaning his shotgun (he's got two daughters...of course he has a shotgun) and Mattel recalls.

Joe "Couch Bombs" Moschella


Joe got absolutely screwed last year with Lamont Jordan and some other chump who was supposed to be good. I really felt bad for him; these should have been solid picks but as they say, "Too fucking bad."


Joe's got a solid draft position this year and should be right there, although he is going through a self imposed detox and we all know what that can mean....right?


Personally I hope Joe loses every game and is serving us bruschetta and steak skewers next year; after all he was the bastard that knocked me out of the playoffs but I'm not bitter.

Joe enjoys Tim, breaking couches and Melissa's mini-burgers.



Jim "Who's Hungry?" Joyce





Jim is a necessary part of all fantasy leagues; he makes strange picks, talks shit (which I personally admire) and takes a ton of abuse. I think we're all waiting for the day when he snaps and beats Regan with his own broken Riesling bottle. Like Ferris and I when we leave the house, Jimmy can usually be found in the cellar where he has made his fantasy home. I'm sure this year will be no different and we'll be feasting on King Crab legs and buffalo wings on him about this time next year.

Jim enjoys his washer toss boards, waving at other Jeep drivers and stacking a full dolly at Rosie's.

Nate "I Have Too Hit It" Greene

Nate has been right there the last two years and I expect this round to be much the same. He picks smart, employing a no risk style much like how he lives his life. Nate likes to corral as many top tier receivers as he can and laugh as others are scrambling for the likes of David Givens, Matt Jones and David Boston.

How Nate has time to devote to this league is beyond me as he juggles the responsibilities of being a constable, real estate agent, student, street performer, dog walker, horticulturist, dental hygienist, massage therapist, repo man, court stenographer, home owner and loving boyfriend. Give the guy credit; he gets it done.

I expect Nate to be right in the thick of things again this year sitting pretty in a most turbulent first round at #9. Let's just hope he scoops up Reggie Bush and sends Regan over the edge.

Nate enjoys his roommates hummer(s), defending his manhood and being Melissa's cousin. Will Tim ever become official family to Nate....doubtful says the magic 8 ball.

Good luck Nate! Let me know how my ass and elbows look come playoff time.

A little background on our players

Tim "Bachelor for Life" O'Connor

Tim has had very limited success thus far in fantasy play but is looking to come back strong now that his binky has officially signed.

A special thanks to Tim for opening up his home for the draft each year, for allowing me to escape my family on a near daily basis and for fixing most everything in my home that I'm simply not capable of doing on my own.

Tim enjoys all things electric, long walks to his portable garage to grab his tractor, fruit punch and The Deadliest Catch.

Re "Baby Shambles" Gan

Regan always seems to be in the thick of things in the league rankings over the past few years. His draft strategy of high risk high reward really matches his personality as he never wears a seat belt, often drives blacked out and is allergic to condoms. Who can forget his apocalyptic collapse in year one when, riding LT like a $2.00 whore, he still somehow managed to steal fantasy failure from the gaping jaws of victory.

Regan enjoys trashing his own condo, long slow chugs of anything alcoholic and almost burning his friends' houses down.

Eric "Always a Bridesmaid Never a Bride" Ferris

Eric has built a reputation as the perennial runner up, always staying competitive but not hitting paydirt. He works on the belief that he is always just a dozen or so moves away from victory and actually holds the record for most free agent drop/adds in Invitational history at 865.

When Eric isn't listening to strange underground Emo bands he enjoys Indie flicks with subtitles and boasts a veritable trivial pursuit database of useless knowledge housed beneath his golden head of hair.

Eric enjoys taking days off from work, Tim's couch and helping me paint. (Thanks beautiful)

Welcome!

So Sunday is the big day!

After a year of anticipation the big event of our pathetic lives is upon us and many questions are yet to be answered:

• Will Ferris be awake to draft LT?



• Will Tim crumble under the pressure and take Heath Evans at 3?



• Will Regan get an OUI on the way to Musterfield and call in his picks from the clink?



• Will Jim and McIntyre remember to scale the shrimp?



• Can Joe stay on the hemp wheel throughout the day?



• Finally, will the Face Pirates return to dominance?